Law and Disorder
by Blowfish the Monkey Tamer
Summary: Case number 5936, in the matter of the People v. Trigon. Where's Jack McCoy when you need him?
1. Chapter 1

**All characters portrayed in the following piece of writing are purely fictional and are not property of the author in question (excluding DA, Judge, and the bailiffs—they're MINE, ALL MINE!). The author hopes all references to Harry Potter, South Park, and Paranoia Agent will not result in any legal consequences—that would just be too ironic, even for her. She also hopes that any hippies reading this are not offended. Any resemblance to a certain crime drama created by Dick Wolf is purely parodic and intended to be taken in a light, humorous manner.**

**IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM OF JUMP CITY, VILLAINS OF EVERY SORT ARE CIRCULATED AGAIN AND AGAIN, BUT NEVER REALLY FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES, BECAUSE IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MAKE CAMEOS AND REAPPEARANCES THROUGHOUT THE SERIES. THIS IS DUE, IN PART, TO A BUNCH OF INCOMPETENT TEENS RUNNING AROUND FIGHTING CRIME, OR SOMETHING LIKE IT, AND BOTCHING IT UP HORRIBLY. THESE ARE THEIR STORIES.**

**JULY 22, 2005**

**JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE**

**ARRAIGNMENT FOR MOTHER MAE-EYE CASE**

"…no more argument, bail set at $500,000. NEXT!"

The bailiff flipped to the next page of the docket. "Case number 5647, in the matter of the People vs. Mother Mae-Eye."

A stout, dumpy woman dressed in bright clothing sidled behind the defense table. Representing her was the famous devil's advocate, Slade. The judge sighed. Slade was always unnecessarily vicious in his defensive tactics, and had the tendency of turning any courtroom into a circus.

"The charges?" Judge asked wearily.

"Mother Mae-Eye is charged with the following: Kidnapping in the second degree, possession of hallucinogens, cannabis, and narcotics, and distribution of said drugs to minors."

"How does the defense plead?"

"Not guilty by defense of others," Slade replied coolly.

"That is a CROCK!" the District Attorney shouted. "Your honor, the children in question were not in any immediate danger—"

"—Not in Mother's eyes. They endanger themselves daily."

"Who are these kids?" Judge asked.

"The Teen Titans," the DA said exasperatedly, "which is why I wanted to up the charges—the court should recognize them as officers of the law—"

"—They're not cops," Slade interrupted. "And there is a precedent, your honor—People vs. the Joker; Batman was not legally recognized as an officer of the law, so Joker's sentence was not the sentence he would have gotten if he had committed aggravated assault against a police officer—"

"—I've heard enough, counselor. Mother Mae-Eye will not be judged under the pretenses of attacking officers of the law."

"Thank you, your honor."

"Oh come _on_," DA said. "This is coming from the guy that endangers them half of the time!"

"HEY. I am an advocate of downtrodden criminals everywhere. RESPECT MY _AUTHORI-TAY!_"

"You little Cartman wannabe—"

"COUNSELERS, SETTLE DOWN!" Judge yelled over the arguing attorneys. He banged his gavel. "ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT!"

"ORDER OF THE PHOENIX!" Slade sputtered randomly. A profoundly awkward silence followed.

"…Thank you, Mr. Wilson. I think."

"Err…your honor," DA said slowly, recovering from the very uncomfortable moment. "The People wish to set bail at $50,000."

"This is an outrage, your honor!" Slade cried. "The defendant lives in a gingerbread house, for God's sake!"

"We believe the defendant is a flight risk," DA said stiffly. Slade snorted.

"If she's living under a roof that crumbles in milk, I doubt she can afford a plane ticket," Judge said. "Bail set at $5,000. Trial slated for the 8th of August. NEXT!"

**AUGUST 8, 2005**

**JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE**

**BEGINNING OF TRIAL PROCEEDINGS**

"Would the People please call their first witness?" Judge asked. DA stood up, straightening his suit.

"The people wish to call Robin, Leader of the Teen Titans, to the stand." Robin walked over to the witness bench. The bailiff put out a blank book, rather than the Bible.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you whatever religious deity you may believe in?"

"…What if I'm an atheist?"

"Well…I…"

"Doesn't that make this horribly contrived attempt at political correctness a feeble stab at not offending the general public?"

The bailiff began to jerk from side to side. "Erk…what…"

"I mean, if I'm not religious, and you don't make me do this, aren't I allowed to lie? And isn't the next religious person who steps up her going to be outraged by the blatant hypocrisy?"

"Does…not…compute…" The bailiff's head whirled around for a few seconds before exploding. He dropped to the ground, sparks flying from his robotic neck. Judge glared at Robin.

"Please don't do that again," he said, pulling a lever. Another bailiff came through the door. "We don't have an endless supply, you know."

"Sorry."

"So, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, yadda yadda yadda?"

Robin looked thoughtful. "Hmm…"

"If you don't, we'll throw you in jail for perjury."

"YES SIR!"

Judge rubbed his temples. "Proceed."

DA nodded and stepped forward. "Robin, I would like you to relate to us the events that took place on June 25th of this year."

Robin scratched his head. "Well, a lot happened that day..."

"Yes, but let's start when you woke up."

"Well, Mother Mae-Eye—"

"—The defendant?"

"Yes, that's her. She gave us—that is, all of us Titans—pie."

"She gave you _pie_. Did the pies have any…effect on you and your friends?"

"Well, we felt really _happy_. Like, really, _really_ happy. And our eyes got all pink. It was real trippy."

"'It was real _trippy_.' Would you say it was almost like you were under the influence of _drugs_?"

"Objection!" Slade yelled, banging his hand on the table. "Prosecution is leading the witness!"

"Sustained," Judge grumbled.

"Robin," DA continued. "Could you, at the time, remember anything from the previous night?"

"Well later we—"

"_At the time_."

"No, not at the time."

"Didn't that seem suspicious to you, a master detective?"

"Nah, I was too preoccupied. My hair was in spit curls. I just thought it was so _nifty_. You can play with 'em, bat 'em from side to side."

"…Right. Anyway, when you tried to leave, she did stop you, didn't she?"

"Yeah, she gave me these dumb-ass toys and dressed the others up in retarded get-ups. Raven was in a dress," Robin snickered. Raven eyed him from across the courtroom.

"And she wouldn't let you leave until you'd submitted to this degradation? And you didn't object?"

"Well, like I said, it was real trippy. We were acting so dumb."

"And whenever you _stopped _acting dumb, she shoved more pie down your throat, didn't she?"

"Yeah. I threw up a lot afterward. I mean, I _really_ threw up. Like, some things turned up that I don't think I've ever eaten."

"Err, that's fine Robin, you don't have to—"

"—Like falafel. I didn't know what falafel _was_ until I looked in a dictionary. And corn. I didn't even eat corn that day. And then there were the pig's fe—"

"—OK, THE DEFENSE CAN HAVE HIM!"

"Thank you," Slade said, stepping up.

"Slade," Robin sneered, purely out of reflex. Slade chuckled.

"Why yes, Robin, it is me. Now, you say that you and your friends had pink eyes after eating Mother Mae-Eye's pies."

"Right."

"But is it not true that Raven and Starfire's eyes often change colors or glow?"

"Well yeah, but not pink."

"How do you know that this was not some new, unknown power manifesting itself?"

"I've known them for a while and I know how their powers work. Besides, the rest of us had pink eyes, too."

"Interesting, that." Slade jerked forward very suddenly, his face getting very close to Robin's. "Isn't it true that none of your teammates have seen your eyes? EVER?"

Robin pulled at his collar. "Well…"

"In FACT, no one in the city, even ME, has _ever_ seen you eyes! Have they?"

"I…I like my privacy…"

"So NO ONE, not even your own roommates, could corroborate what you have just told us, that your eyes were pink after eating Mother Mae-Eye's pies?"

"I…I…guess…not… BUT EVERYONE ELSE HAD PINK EYES! THEY REALLY DID!"

"Of _course _they did," Slade sneered. "But what if it was just a bout of pink eye?"

"W-wha—YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STORY!"

"_I'm_ not the one on the witness stand in front of the Wizengamot!"

"What—what—I—"

"Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

"AAAAAHHHH! OK, OK, I SMOKE POT! I WEAR THE MASK TO HIDE THE FACT THAT MY EYES ARE ALWAYS RED! WAAAAHAHAAAH!" Robin began sobbing, and DA stood up, furious.

"OBJECTION! This is ridiculous!"

"_Riddikulus_!" Slade shrieked. Judge banged his gavel.

"_The defense will cease making pointless, random Harry Potter references!_" he boomed. The courtroom was silent. "I'd really rather not have to deal with J.K. Rowling suing us. Jesus tap-dancing Christ…"

"No further questions, your honor." Slade said, looking thoroughly satisfied with the mayhem he had caused.

"Next witness," Judge said, rubbing his temples harder. He was looking forward to a recess, where he could go out and pick up a good stiff drink.

"The People wish to call Cyborg, Teen Titan, to the stand." Cyborg went up to the witness stand, took the oath (fortunately, not at the cost of another bailiff), and DA began to question him. After getting past the actual events, DA ventured into a different area. "Cyborg, you are a talented chemist, are you not?"

"I suppose you could say that."

"Did you, by chance, analyze the ingredients of Mother Mae-Eye's pies?"

"Yes. They contained all your basic pie ingredients: Flour, eggs, sugar, and in this case, cherries."

"Did you find anything _else_ in the pies?"

"A mixture of what I believe to be several opiates, LSD, and a brick of hash."

"Yes, and did you—a whole brick?"

"Yeah."

"Holy…" DA paused and cleared his throat. "And is it true that you and your friends had no idea—_no idea_—that the pies contained these ingredients?"

"Well, not the opiates and the LSD and the hash, no."

"Thank you." He walked back to his seat and nodded at Slade. "Your witness."

Slade stood and thought for a moment, then went up to Cyborg. "Some very impressive analysis, Cyborg."

"Thanks," Cyborg said, swelling with pride.

"Hmm…I suppose you used your mechanical attributes to come to these conclusions."

Cyborg stiffened noticeably. "I did most of it—just used the machines for what they're supposed to be used for…calculations, 'n' such."

"Oh, but we know that's not the truth, don't we? Your machines did all the work _for _you, didn't they?"

"No, they didn't. I can do things all by myself," he said nervously.

"Boywhocan'tlivewithoutmachinessaywhat?"

"What?"

"Can't hear me? Probably because you're using that _mechanical _ear! It's better than your normal one though, isn't it?"

"No! It's not!"

"You're just a pathetic little mechanical man, aren't you?"

"NOOOOOO! I'M BETTER THAN MY MACHINERY! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING NOW! I'M FINE! MY THERAPIST SAID I WAS _FINE_!"

"But she was _wrong_, wasn't she!"

"AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! NOT ANOTHER EPISODE! I CAN'T DO ANOTHER EPISODE ABOUT MY DAMNED HALF-MACHINE ANGST!" After letting out another howl, Cyborg ran out of the courtroom sobbing like a prepubescent girl. Slade hopped up on the witness stand and did a victory dance. DA stood up, his face red.

"YOUR HONOR, MR. WILSON IS BADGERING MY WITNESSES!"

"It goes to credibility, your honor," Slade said, stepping down from the stand as if nothing had happened. "Robin has a drug problem, and Cyborg is obviously not of sound mind. I'm just giving the jury something to consider."

"You're skating on thin ice, Wilson," Judge grunted. "Just hold it down from now on, OK?"

Slade did not, however, "hold it down." In the next two hours of testimony, while the prosecution gave solid evidence, Slade either confused the remaining Titans so bad they had to lie down, or had them going into fits of rage. First, he presented the fact that Starfire didn't know a thing about drugs or what it was like to be on them (something which, unfortunately, all the other Titans had experienced at some point before the Mother Mae-Eye incident), thus making her testimony almost completely useless. Then, he got Raven up on the stand. Somehow he managed to get into talking about her family history and her "abandonment issues" and her need for anger management classes. Raven had sprouted an extra pair of eyes and unleashed a flock of demons on the defense attorney before she could be removed from the courtroom. The last, and for Slade, easiest, thing to do was to convince the jury that Beast Boy was an idiot. The poor green changeling morphed into a ferret and curled up into a ball, quivering.

Judge, now with a full-fledged headache, looked up at DA. "Do the People have any _more_ witnesses?"

"No. The People rest their case, your honor."

"Oh thank GOD. Recess until tomorrow, when the defense may present their case."

**AUGUST 9, 2005**

**JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE**

**DEFENSE BEGINS CASE**

"All right," Judge said, resolving that he would be strong today. "Mr. Wilson, call your first witness."

"Well, to get this out of the way—I call Mother Mae-Eye to the stand." There were hushed whispers throughout the courtroom, quickly silenced by Judge's gavel.

The plump villainess plopped down on the witness bench, looking as sweet as ever. Slade walked up to her. "Mother Mae-Eye, could you please tell the court why you took the Titans into your care?" he asked gently. DA snorted.

Mother Mae-Eye gave a sorrowful smile as she spoke. "Well, I just thought they needed a mother. I've done my research, mind you. _All _of them are orphans and have had such _horrid _home lives—if they had a home life at all! Raised by monks on Azarath…pfft…"

Raven twitched. "So…dead…"

"…And that poor Robin, having to wear those embarrassing tights when he was only a boy…"

Robin slid off the bench he was on and curled up on the floor. "If I just stay hidden, maybe they'll all forget I'm here. If I just stay hidden, maybe they'll all forget I'm here. If I just stay hidden…"

"…and Beast Boy! He looks like a freakin' asparagus!"

Beast Boy didn't say anything. He was too busy crying hysterically into Raven's cloak.

"So," Slade said delicately. "You really thought you were doing them a favor, taking them in?" A loud cough came from the direction of the prosecution table.

"Absolutely," she said, beaming. "It's a shame that little Starfire didn't see it that way. She really is a sweet-pea."

Starfire looked irritated. "I am not a sugary vegetable, you strange, vile woman!" she shouted. Judge banged his gavel several times to quiet her.

"Anyway, I really did just try to protect them. That's what a mother does."

Slade nodded. "Nothing further." He returned to his seat. DA got up, taking a deep breath.

"You want to protect these children, is that what you're saying?"

"Yes," replied Mother Mae-Eye.

"And you don't think these 'children' can protect themselves?"

"No, I just think they could use a little help every now and then."

"Isn't it true that one of the Titans, Cyborg—who is not present in the courtroom today due to the actions of a party that will remain nameless—is eighteen years old? That is, he is a legal adult and can fend for himself?"

"Well…he…"

"And what about those pies? What's in them?"

"Love, of course!"

"Love, is it? YOU CALL 'SEVERAL OPIATES, LSD, AND A BRICK OF HASH' _LOVE_?" roared DA.

"I…that's just…"

"A WHOLE BRICK OF HASH! DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU SEEM A LITTLE LIKE—oh, I dunno—SOME KIND OF _HIPPIE_?"

"OBJECTION!" screamed Slade. "My client is _NOT _a hippie!"

"Let the evidence speak for itself, your honor!"

"They _cannot _bring hippies into this, your honor! This is a direct attack meant to destabilize me!"

"How are hippies destabilizing to you? HUH? How?"

"BECAUSE I HATE HIPPIES! THERE! I SAID IT! I HATE HIPPIES! I ALSO HAVE A DEBILITATING FREUDIAN PHOBIA OF THEM!"

"But—why—"

Slade leapt up on the defense table and went down on his knees, turning his psychotic gaze skyward. "DON'T YOU GET IT? HIPPIES TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME! MY PRIDE! MY DIGNITY!" He gestured insanely to the empty side of his mask. "MY _EYE_!"

"…Wasn't that your wife?"

"YES! SHE WAS A HIPPIE! THAT'S WHY I LEFT HER! THERE WAS SO MUCH POT SMOKE EVERYWHERE!"

"I thought she left _you_."

"THAT'S JUST WHAT THOSE DAMN, DIRTY HIPPIES WANT YOU TO THINK! HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT SHE'S DONE TO JOEY'S HAIR? OH, THE HUMANITY! THE BRUTALITY! THE MUTTON-CHOP SIDEBURNS! CURSE YOU, ADELINE! CUUUUUUUUURSE YOOOOOOOUUUU!"

DA turned to Judge. "Err…your honor?"

Judge sighed heavily. "Court will take a two-hour recess so that Mr. Wilson may regain whatever semblance of sanity he may have."

**TWO HOURS LATER**

**JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE**

**DEFENSE CONTINUES CASE**

"Would the defense please call their next witness?" requested Judge. Slade stood, much calmer now, though every few minutes he would twitch and mutter something like "hippy," "pot," or "hair gel," but other than that, he was fine.

"The defense wishes to call Jinx, HIVE student, to the stand." Jinx got up and walked up to the witness stand—that is, she stumbled and fell over several times, giggling all the way.

"Objection!" DA protested. "The witness is obviously under the influence of Mother Mae-Eye's pies! She is intoxicated and her eyes are pink!"

"The defense would like to point out that Jinx's eyes are _always _pink."

"Your honor—"

"That's—hic!—enough, counselors," Judge said sleepily. The distinct odor of vodka was emanating from him. "The witness may testify. _I _certainly don't see anything—hic!—wrong with her."

"...IS YOUR HONOR _DRUNK_?"

"HEY! How dare you—hic!—insinuate such a thing! Five—hic!—points from the prosecution—hic!"

"There isn't a point system in the courtroom, your honor! Did—" DA turned to Slade. "Did you take him out for drinks during recess?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Slade innocently.

"THAT WHOLE HIPPIE THING WAS A RUSE, WASN'T IT?" DA raved. "YOU GOT HIM DRUNK SO YOU COULD HAVE THIS STUPID WITNESS!"

"Please don't make rash assumptions, sir," Slade said sweetly.

"YOU—YOU—"

"May I proceed, your honor, or is this courtroom going to turn into a fiasco?"

"YOU MAY—HIC!" Judge bellowed. Slade nodded and stepped towards the witness.

"Now Jinx, can you tell us what your and your friends'—that is, the HIVE Five's—relationship with Mother Mae-Eye is?"

"She's our mother," Jinx said happily. "She gives us hugs, and blankets, and cherry pies of sunshine love!" In the back, the Titans' eyes (including Cyborg's, as he had returned after the recess) were widening. This was _definitely _not a sober Jinx. As the horn-haired sorceress drabbled on, the Titans ducked down and began to whisper to each other.

"We have to put a stop to this!" Robin hissed. "She's making Mother Mae-Eye look like a saint!"

"Hey," Beast Boy said thoughtfully. "If the testimony is tampered with, can't it be thrown out?"

"Yes!" Starfire whispered excitedly. "If we can somehow get Jinx to stop testifying, Slade will not call any others from the HIVE Five. He cannot possibly explain _their _eyes being pink!"

"But _how_?" Cyborg muttered. All the Titans paused and looked at each other, as if then all were coming to the same conclusion at the same time. Then they turned to Raven.

Raven stared at them. "…What?" Her eyes widened with realization. "…NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT."

Robin smirked. "Titans? All in favor of using Raven's Law?" Four hands shot in the air.

"Guys! This isn't fair!"

"All against?"

"I'M against! And I'M _RAVEN_!"

He shrugged. "Sorry, Raven, majority rules. Titans—"

"—WHAT ABOUT THE RIGHTS OF THE MINORITY BEING PROTECTED?"

"Initiate Raven's Law. Go, go, go!"

"You can't do this to me! I have _rights_!" None of the Titans were listening, however. Beast Boy ripped off Raven's cloak and belt, Starfire forced her into a standing position and removed her shoes, and Cyborg dumped a bucket of water on her head, leaving Raven completely soaked and in only her leotard. All of the Titans ducked down and shielded their eyes as soon as this maneuver was complete. Robin cleared his throat.

"Oh, look at me!" he said in a high falsetto loud enough to be heard throughout the courtroom. "I, the very sexy and alluring Raven, am stripped down to my leotard! And look, I'm all wet! I'm so looooonelyyyyyy…"

"Kill…you…guys…" Raven growled through clenched teeth. Up at the witness stand, Slade was still questioning Jinx—but Jinx wasn't listening. Her gaze was fixed on Raven, her left eye twitching. Slade realized his witness wasn't answering him, and turned around to see what could possibly be distracting her so much.

"Now what—_HOLY—_!" At that moment, blood began to leak out the slits in Slade's mask. He suddenly had a massive nosebleed. Being the man of control he was, though, he quickly turned back to his witness. "Jinx—don't—DON'T!" It was far too late for that, though. Jinx leapt from the witness stand and straight onto Raven, sending them both crashing to the floor. What ensued on the floor made Slade's nose burst a whole new vessel. "What—what—YOUR HONOR!"

"Mmm?" Judge muttered, lifting his head up off the stand. He had apparently been asleep for the better part of Jinx's testimony, and was somehow oblivious to what was happening in the back of the courtroom.

"ONE OF THE TITANS HAS SEDUCED MY WITNESS!"

Robin stepped forward and whispered in DA's ear. DA nodded and stood up. "Raven did not _seduce_ the witness, your honor."

"W-WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHE _DID_!" Slade gestured helplessly to the pair of young women on the floor.

"She can't help it. It's called Raven's Law."

"Oh? And what is this 'Raven's Law?'"

DA flipped through a book that Robin gave him. "Here it is, in the Teen Titans Handbook. Under 'Precautions to Take Among Team Members.' It's right before 'Robin's Slade Obsession.'" He cleared his throat. "Right here, and I quote: 'Raven's Law is a DC-Universal law of physics. Everything and everyone is attracted to Raven. This mostly applies to the romantic aspects of all people, particularly superheroes and Mary Sues. No matter if they are male, female, or animal, they will, invariably, attempt to ogle/snog/have sex with her.'" He closed the book.

"Your honor, this is absurd! How can every person in the DC Universe be able to be attracted to one teenage girl?"

"Look who's talking, Mr. Rip-Off-All-Raven's-Clothes-And-Stalk-Her."

"Th-that was under her father's orders!" Slade shrilled. "HE'S the sick little monkey here, not me!"

"There is a precedent, your honor: Batman vs. Billy Johnson, where Billy got off for harassing Batman by defending himself with Batman's Law! A DC-Universal Law, Batman's Law, states 'Batman makes everything cool.' The boy could not help himself!"

"But your honor—"

"—That's enough, that's enough." Judge cut in. "Slade's witness is stricken due to the fact that she is, err,"—he peered over at Raven and Jinx—"_preoccupied_ at this present time." He turned to the court clerk. "You heard me! Strike her!" The clerk got up, went over to Jinx and Raven, and hit Jinx over the head with a bent golden baseball bat. He then roller-bladed back to his seat. "Thank you," Judge said graciously, "but please, stop with the Lil' Slugger thing. We don't need to be sued by the people at Paranoia Agent, either." The clerk nodded gloomily, removing his red baseball cap.

Raven, now free of Jinx's grasp, got up and dusted herself off. There were several tears in her leotard. She did _not_ look pleased. She walked briskly over to the Titans—still shielding their eyes from the effects of Raven's Law—took her cloak, belt and shoes, and walked out of the courtroom, muttering something that sounded like "…Hate you all…"

Slade cleared his throat loudly. "Your honor, since this witness is out, I request a short recess to—"

Before he could say what the purpose of the recess was, the courtroom doors burst open, and Adeline Kane—Slade's ex-wife and alleged hippie—tore into the courtroom, screaming at the top of her lungs for no apparent reason. She jumped on Slade's back and began banging his head against the floor, her long, rainbow-colored scarf and peace sign necklace flapping in the wind that had suddenly and unexpectedly blown through the courtroom. "That'll teach you for cursing me!" cackled Adeline, who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying smashing her ex's head into the ground. Slade was helpless, but didn't give in.

"AH! Your honor—OW!—if I could—GAH! ADDIE, STOP IT!"

"NEEEEEVEEEER!" Mother Mae-Eye handed Adeline a bong. "Oh, thank you Mother Mae-Eye." She switched to only using one hand to grind Slade's face into the floor, employing the other to get high.

The four remaining Titans sat in the back watching the scene unfold with bemusement. Robin smiled. "Guess it was a good idea to call Adeline during that recess, eh?"

"Gotta hand it to ya, Rob," said Cyborg. "You always have a Plan B."

"Yeah. Wasn't sure Jinx would actually take the bait. Lucky the author likes that pairing, huh?"

"…Author?"

"THE FOURTH WALL!" Beast Boy shrieked. "YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!"

"OH FINE!" Slade shouted, realizing he wasn't going to win like this. "OW! Your honor—MNNG!—I'm moving for a mistrial—NNNNGGGH!"

"Are you kidding?" Judge replied, wide-eyed. "I'm not doing this again! Jury, make your call so we can all go home and drink this horrible memory away."

The jury, who've only been mentioned once before, looked at each other and nodded in agreement. The head of the jury stood. "We find Mother Mae-Eye guilty of all charges," she said. "We also would like to point out that her defense attorney cannot possibly be legally sane."

"Well, I think we _all _knew that. All right boys, take 'er away." Two cops came in and grabbed Mother Mae-Eye.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Mother Mae-Eye screamed. "I HAVE CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF! LET ME GO OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL! I AM THE PERFECT MOTHER! YOU CAN'T STOP THE LOVE! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Get her out of my sight." The police took Mother Mae-Eye out of the courtroom. Judge and DA sighed. "When does it stop, DA?"

"I don't think it does, Judge," DA said miserably. He looked thoughtful. "Hey, did you notice that this is the first time either of us has been called by name?"

"Huh. That's true. Odd, how our names are Judge and DA and that's what we do."

"Guess we're suffering from SRS."

"What?"

"You know, Speed Racer Syndrome. Whatever our names are, our professions follow suit."

"That's so weird."

"Mmm." They sat in silence in the middle of the mayhem for a few moments. Judge pulled a bottle of vodka out from under his desk.

"Want a drink?"

"Yeah. Could really use one." Judge pulled out two shot glasses and filled them up. "Bottoms up."

"Hey, what's the next case?"

"Oh, I dunno. Can't be any stupider than this."

How very wrong they were.

**I'd just like to say this was inspired by too many episodes of Law and Order and the fanfic "The Mother Mae-Eye Files" by Serve the Abbalah. Therefore, it is dedicated to Dick Wolf and Serve the Abbalah. You both rock.**

**I'd like to continue this sometime. However, right now I have three fics and therefore am busy as hell. So right now this is a one-shot. Don't cry. Makes your face scrunch up, and scrunched-up faces are ugly.**


	2. Chapter 2

**DEAR. LORD. I. LIVE.**

**IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM OF JUMP CITY, VILLAINS OF EVERY SORT ARE CIRCULATED AGAIN AND AGAIN, BUT NEVER REALLY FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES, BECAUSE IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MAKE CAMEOS AND REAPPEARANCES THROUGHOUT THE SERIES. THIS IS DUE, IN PART, TO A BUNCH OF INCOMPETENT TEENS RUNNING AROUND FIGHTING CRIME, OR SOMETHING LIKE IT, AND BOTCHING IT UP HORRIBLY. THESE ARE THEIR STORIES.**

**JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE**

**AUGUST 20, 2005**

**ARRAIGNMENT FOR TRIGON CASE**

"…I don't care if he's only got two toes and can't walk properly; bail is set at one million. NEXT!"

The bailiff cleared his throat. "Case number 5936, in the matter of the People v. Trigon. Trigon is to face trial for lesser crimes here and then be given over to the international courts."

Judge paused. "Didn't Raven like…kill him or something?"

"He's an omniscient, inter-dimensional demon, sir. They're a bit harder to get rid of than that."

"I see." At that moment, Trigon the Terrible himself walked into the courtroom. He was wearing his finest business suit, and was whispering something to his lawyer. Judge cringed. Slade again. "Hello, Mr. Wilson."

Slade turned, feigning surprise. "Oh, Judge! I had no _idea _you were on this case. What a pleasant surprise."

Judge cringed again. "Let's get on with this. Where's DA?"

A woman in a suit stepped up to the DA's table. "He's out on another case. I'll be filling in. I'm the Assistant District Attorney, Ada Montgomery."

"Ah, ADA."

"…No, my name is actually Ada. It's just a coincidence that my first name is the same as the acronym of my job, unlike you and DA, who just have Speed Racer Syndrome."

"Oh. Well, as long as you're not named Claire, Abby, Jamie, Alex, Susan, or whatever the hell that other one's name is, we're good. What are the charges?"

The bailiff looked at a piece of paper. "Arson, assault and battery, property damage, and in light of the recently-passed bill, petrification of innocents."

"Wow, that's one convenient bill."

"Indeed."

"Yeah, those guys up at city hall have the right idea. How does the defense plead?"

"Not guilty, your honor," Slade said in a very official tone.

"Oh please," snorted Ada. "The defendant's crimes were witnessed the world over—"

"Actually, that's not true. No one but the Teen Titans has claimed to actually seeing these crimes, and we all know how credible _they _are."

"They're credible enough! Your honor, I move to have the defendant remanded. He can travel between dimensions. If that's not a flight risk, I don't know what is."

"Ms. Montgomery has a point, Mr. Wilson," said Judge. "Your client has proven himself to be very wily."

"Wily though he may be, your honor, he is prepared to hand over his inter-dimensional passport," said Slade.

"Wha—what—your honor, this is utter rubbish. There is no such thing as a—why am I even—gah!" Ada threw her hands in the air. "The People request remand!"

"Granted. Trial date set for the 28th. NEXT CASE!"

**JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE**

**AUGUST 28, 2005**

**BEGINNING OF TRIAL PROCEEDINGS**

Ada was seated at the prosecution table with her second chair, Nondescript Man. One could see his nervousness through the stress lines on his ambiguous face.

"I'd like to thank you again for being second chair for me, Nondescript. I know that you're new to the DA's office and I'm sorry for imposing."

"No problem. We can beat 'em."

"That's the kind of attitude we're looking for. We'll definitely nail 'em."

"…How, exactly?"

"Character witnesses. Lots and lots of character witnesses."

"Would the People like to call their first witness?"

"Yes, we would first wish to call a few employees of the defendant…"

So the People began their case in earnest, calling the many minions of Trigon, who complained of on-the-job discrimination, poor treatment, long hours, and a lousy dental plan. Slade pointed out that this wasn't at all the point of the trial and abused the minions during cross-examination by making fun of their cavity-riddled teeth.

Judge looked up from his Gameboy that he was playing under his desk. "Oh, are we ready to go on?"

"Yes, your honor. The People call Robin to the stand."

Robin stepped up to the witness stand and took the oath. Ada got up. "Hello, Robin. Please describe the events of July 2, 2005 to the court."

"Okay," Robin said. "The Titans were just chilling and having fun and stuff, and Raven was acting all happy and weird."

"Go on."

"Oh, right. Then the world ended and stuff."

"Could you perhaps elaborate on the 'stuff' for us?"

"Err, okay. Ya see, the way Raven's explained it to us, I figure what actually happened was something like this…"

Robin then explained the events leading up to the "Apocalypse of Four-Eyed Doom" known in 1980's comic book canon as "The Terror of Trigon." (Robin personally thought "Apocalypse of Four-Eyed Doom" sounded much cooler.) It was an explanation long and wrought with extensive character background and complicated origin stories and dealings crossed with the involvement of Slade (at which point Slade objected, reminding Judge he couldn't possibly corroborate this because he was immune through attorney-client privilege), the strange, unexplainable plot holes, and the major character development that took place resulting in fallout in the fanfiction and forums. Halfway through his explanation, Ada was beginning to wish that she had asked a less broad question and was waiting for Robin to simply STOP TALKING, just as most of the readers are at this moment wishing for the author to STOP WRITING THIS MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A JOKE.

"…And so later it was concluded that Raven being a little girl was indeed a metaphor and I still am very hot for Starfire. Then we all had cake."

Ada was barely awake. "…Defense…may…"—she yawned—"…cross-examine."

"Huh?" Slade lifted his head off the table, drool seeping from the slits in his mask. "Oh, right, cross-examunuhfluxaJerrySeinfeld…"

"Slade," sneered Robin. Slade groaned.

"Oh STOP IT, you little asshole. GOD. It's not DRAMATIC anymore."

"What?"

"EVERY TIME, it's always 'Slade, what are you planning,' or 'Slade, that's so nefarious and horrible!' or 'Slade, why won't you hold me?' GOD! NO MORE!"

"…Okay," said Robin in a small voice.

"Whatever. Now Robin, SOMEWHERE in that poor excuse for a joke you said that the world's population was turned to stone."

"That's right."

"Uh-huh. And why didn't you and your friends turn to stone?"

Robin was peeved by this question. "I TOLD you, Raven's magic."

"Uh-huh. And when did you come into possession of said magic, again?"

"After your army of fiery monsters was overwhelming us, Raven surrendered and knocked us all out with her spiffy magic."

"And you somehow absorbed it?"

"Yep. The animators did a pretty slick job emphasizing that the magic went into us, rather than just fading away. And Raven said 'Be safe.'"

"Yes, of course. Now, how much did the animators emphasize, exactly?"

"Objection!" yelled Ada. "The Defense may not encourage witnesses to break the fourth wall!"

"He was _already _breaking it…"

"Next question, Counselor," Judge interrupted.

"No further questions, your honor."

"Hmph. Fine. Will the People call their next witness?"

"Yes, your honor," replied Ada.

"Your Honor," said Slade. "It has just reached my attention that the next witness on the list could not possibly be capable of testifying."

"And why is that?" asked Judge.

"She's dead."

"Oh. Huh. Err…Ms. Montgomery, would not lack of all bodily functions be a detriment to testimony?"

"Nah, she'll be fine," assured Ada. "I've got someone to channel her spirit."

"Who?"

"Oh, just some mystic who owed me a favor."

"…Oooookaaaay…"

"Goddamn lazy author…" muttered Slade.

"COUNSELOR! There will be no more breaking of the fourth wall!"

"Yes, your honor."

A mystic came to the witness stand dressed in mystical apparel. No, it is not going to be described. You people can use your own imaginations, gosh darn it. He chanted in a mystical tongue for a while and then stopped, his eyes glazing over. He looked around.

"Where the hell am I?" the mystic asked in a very feminine voice.

"You're in the courtroom," answered Ada. "Remember, I'm the ADA? I asked you to testify in the matter of The People v. Trigon?"

"Oh, right, right, right. Mmm. I remember you."

"Since you possess another's body, will you please state your name for the record?"

"Arella."

"MOM!" screamed a shocked Raven from the back of the courtroom.

"Oh hi, honey."

"What the fu—"

"WATCH your mouth, young lady!"

Judge banged his gavel. "Ladies, please settle down. This is not family court. Ms. Montgomery, please proceed."

"Thank you, your honor. Now, Arella, would you please describe your relationship with the defendant."

"Well, I was—"

"Objection!" yelled Slade.

"What the hell FOR?" Ada burst out.

"This is a humor fanfiction. Mention of anything traumatic or dark such as the sketchy events that occurred between Arella and my client would destroy the tone!"

"He _does_ have a point, Counselor," said Judge. "Perhaps a different line of questioning…?"

"Oh FINE," muttered Ada. "Arella, would you describe the defendant as a moral...entity?"

"No, not at all. He's a horrible monster."

"Isn't it true you and he were married for a time?"

"Kind of. It was a cult thing. He was disguised as a hot red-headed guy and I was a runaway teen—with my own back-story and everything!—and we…"

"Goddamn Geoff Johns…" muttered Slade, conveniently interrupting any mention of the tragic events of Arella's life.

"…and suddenly, BOOM! Pregnant! What a rip."

"Gee, THANKS MOM," yelled Raven from the back of the courtroom.

"There will be no more outbursts!" yelled Judge, banging his gavel. Silence. "Continue, Arella."

"Well, I was freaking out, ya know? Most babies take nine months but Raven came in, like, TWO WEEKS or something. It was some screwed up stuff. But then these creepy people from another dimension came and whisked me off to Azarath. And they raised Raven and I got a lot of tanning done."

"Did the defendant ever trouble you again?" asked Ada.

"Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. He called every week, wanting to know if we'd ever get a custody agreement arranged. 'I just want one day out of the week with her,' he would say. 'Or just give her to me for a couple months and I can complete her corruption all in one go.' He was totally psycho. And when Raven left for Earth, just when I thought, 'Hey, the kid's moved out, I can settle into early retirement,' the bastard comes back and sets Azarath alight with the fires of the Apocalypse. Jackass."

"SCREW YOU, YOU WHORE!" Trigon suddenly shouted, standing up.

"The defendant will seat himself!" Judge yelled.

"OH WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLE!" Arella screeched. "YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING YOUR COMEUPPANCE AND NATURALLY YOU ACT LIKE A TODDLER! TYPICAL!"

"ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT! THE WITNESS AND DEFENDANT WILL CEASE THIS SHOUTING MATCH!"

But Trigon didn't listen. "_YOU'RE _THE ONE WHO MADE ME CRAZY, WOMAN! IT WAS ALWAYS NAG, NAG, NAG! FIX YOUR HAIR, IRON YOUR LOINCLOTH, SHINE YOUR GAUNTLETS! I WAS _TIRED _OF IT, DAMMIT!"

"STOP IT! SEAT YOURSELVES OR YOU BOTH WILL BE IN CONTEMPT!"

"OH, _STUFF IT!_" Arella screamed, drop-kicking Judge in the face.

"OW!"

"AND YOU SAY _I'M _IMMATURE!" yelled Trigon.

"COME ON! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Arella jumped onto the witness stand and pulled out a gun. "CAN YA DODGE BULLETS, _BITCH!_"

"…I'm an omniscient demon. HELL YES I CAN!"

"STOP IT, STOP IT!" screamed Raven. "YOU'RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!"

Beast Boy, huddled under one of the benches with his teammates, scooted over next to Cyborg. "Dude, are you taping this?"

"Pssh. How could I _not_? Opportunities for Raven panty shots galore!" He pulled out a microwave and plugged it into his chest. "Popcorn?"

"I would like the popped kernels of corn, please."

"Shut up, Starfire."

"You may 'go to the Hell,' friend Cyborg." The alien giggled. "And, if I may spoil your fun, Raven does not wear panties."

"…EEEEWWWWWW, MAN!"

"STARFIRE, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!" yelled Raven from above.

"I will meet that challenge!" said Starfire, abandoning cover to do battle with Raven.

"Well, at least SHE wears panties…and a skirt!" muttered Beast Boy. "Pass the popcorn."

**JUMP CITY COURTHOUSE**

**AUGUST 29, 2005**

**RESUMING TRIAL PROCEEDINGS**

"Well, I have to say that I was _appalled_ by the conduct in here yesterday," said Judge. "Arella and Starfire are in contempt, and Trigon and Raven WOULD BE, but the defendant threatened to…to…"

"'Rip out your soul through your eyes,' your honor," the court clerk clarified.

"Yes, that was it, thank you. Anyway, let us proceed with—and I say this for the _last _time—_no more outbursts_."

"The People would like to call Raven to the stand," said Nondescript Man. He had taken over the prosecution as Ada had been injured in the battle between Starfire and Raven. The former at that point took the stand and was sworn in. "Now Raven, tell us about your father."

"He is an inter-dimensional demon. He is the prince of pain, the master of suffering, the source of all evil, the—"

"We get it, we get it," Nondescript interrupted. "Now, please describe the events of July 2 for us."

"Well, first I…then I…well, I had sensed for a while that…eh?" Raven scratched her head. "I…I don't remember."

Nondescript gaped at her. "You DON'T REMEMBER?"

"Err…no. Weird. It's like that day was just like any other day."

"But it WASN'T, WAS IT?" Nondescript was incensed. "I mean—how—CLERK!"

"You rang?" said the court clerk.

"Recant Robin's testimony from yesterday to jog the witness's memory."

"Yes, yes…oh my. Well, that is very odd."

"What?"

"Said testimony is missing from the record."

"…WHAT!"

"There is a large blank space where the testimony should be. It's as if I never typed it in the first place."

"BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IT WAS YESTERDAY! HE SAID…he said…oh Lord. I can't remember…"

"Okay," Judge cut in. "Something is obviously very wrong here. Therefore, I can only conclude this is Mr. Wilson's fault."

"OH COME ON!" yelled Slade. "Why do you always blame me?"

"…Because you're always to blame?"

"That is quite beside the point, your honor. I cannot remember the events either, and I was THERE."

"This is indeed very strange. I wonder if—"

But no one ever got to hear Judge's ponderings, for at that very moment, an armor-clad, gun-toting, SWAT team burst through the courtroom doors. They spread very quickly and began screaming orders among the panicked civilians.

"EVERYONE PLEASE REMAIN CALM! THIS IS STANDARD PROCEDURE! PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING—KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE DESK, DEMON, OR YOU'LL HAVE THEM BLASTED OFF!"

Trigon snorted, bored, and complied.

"What is the meaning of this?" asked Judge.

"We are the Retcon Police, sir," said the leader. "We have come to contain a very serious retcon that has just taken place."

"Dude!" yelled Beast Boy. "What the hell are you talking about? What's a retcon?"

"Well, son, it's when a writer decides, for a variety of possible reasons, that he or she must rewrite a part of a character's history. It's quite simple, really."

"Oh? I don't recall that ever happening to us."

"Well, you're a TV show, and retcons are usually restrained to comics, so this is an odd situation."

"Well, give me an example of a retcon."

"Okay. The Beast Boy miniseries. You had to be 21 or so, maybe even a little older. But then, in the Geoff Johns Titans series that is ongoing, he has clearly put you at 19."

"...I had a miniseries? AND NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT?"

"Uh, excuse me," Judge interrupted. "Aren't we seriously damaging the fourth wall here?"

"Pssh, like I care," said the squad leader. "No one's gonna get this joke anyway. But ANYWAY…it seems as if someone has retconned 'The End.'"

DUN, DUN, DUUUNNNNNNN!

Everyone looked around, wondering at the source of this sudden sound effect.

"Aaaalllrighty then. Now, we just need to contain the source of this retcon…"

"Superboy Prime?" suggested Robin. Probably about four of you get this, and you're most likely snickering right now.

"No…for I have my HANDY-DANDY RETCON DETECTOR! And it says that (for once) Superboy Prime is NOT the cause of a modern-day retcon!"

DUN, DUN, DUUUNNNNNNN!

"Okay, could someone, like…turn that off or something?" asked Cyborg. "It's givin' me the heebie-jeebies."

"Hmm," mumbled the squad leader. "It seems as if the source is over here…in this wall…we'll need to break it open!"

"That would be the fourth wall," said Slade. "We can't break that. It would destroy the fabric of reality as we know it."

"Actually, no," the squad leader corrected him. "The only way to truly destroy the fabric of reality is to acknowledge the existence of other universes outside amalgam and syndication."

"Okay…what?"

"It doesn't matter. We've got to stop that source before this retcon destroys Raven's back-story!"

"Thus destroying one of the coolest and most unique characters to ever come out of the eighties!" added Raven.

"True!" agreed Beast Boy.

"Unlike the sixties," snorted Slade. "Only one really good hero every came out of that."

"Me, right?"

"Pfft, no. You were at your best in the eighties. I'm talking about Spider-Man—oh shit."

And thus, the fabric of reality is destroyed. All that is left now is an endless white void. A girl peeks her head in from the side of the screen. She starts to unpeel a banana.

"Oy. I tell ya, this is what happens when you come back to try to write fanfiction after too long away." Chomp. "Mmm. Dishashter. Goo' bahaha."

A chimp walks up. "That's disgusting. Swallow and respond to your reviews like a responsible author."

"Yeah, yeah, keep yer pansh oh." Gulp. "Okay…let's see here…**Apple of Discord.** Thanks, I love Law and Order too. Always nice to meet a fellow fan. Cool name too. I'm a huge Greek mythology fan. Hmm, next…OOH, it's **sky.davis**! Love your stuff, sky! Glad you liked all the stuff, I crammed as much in as possible. Ah, **TGS**…it's good to see you again, bud! Hmm, I had never considered that pun. I actually never did catch the entire Mother Mae-Eye ep, but I did read the script on TGN, so I knew what went on.

"**Moonshine Ryu**, thank you for the compliments, they are much appreciated. **Jimmy the Gothic Egg. **You are right my friend, Raven is…well-liked. If I recall, in the comics thus far she has: had a short stint with Nighwing, a relationship with Kid Flash, shared mutual crushes with Jericho, dated some creepy soul-sucking dude Eric Forrester, some flirtation with Obsidian (eh, he was gay anyway), a stalker-stalkee relationship with Brother Blood (Jr.), turned into a crazy lesbian and made out with Starfire, and a relationship, which currently may or may not be still going, with Beast Boy…not necessarily in that order.

"**CrystalFlower,** it is a visual gag in anime when a character is thinking dirty thoughts for their noses to bleed. **Phantom Moon**, you obviously got your wish. **TTHPFan**…I know the feeling. Thank you also, **Valda**. **Brenda O**, I am a huge SVU fan, but I would feel strange writing about TT sex crimes."

"Well, it feels good to be back," says Chimpy.

"It sure does," says Blowfish. "Strange, though. I'm so out of the loop. But now I shall write more fanfiction in an effort to get back in the loop! I swear it!"

"Word up!"

…

…

"Wanna go get some boardwalk fries first?"

"WOULD I!"

RAWR, BLUE BUTTON!


End file.
